To Fellow Pastor's Wives -- Being In Ministry Will...

I think I've only ever written a few ministry related posts.  It's not due to lack of things to say reguarding ministry-- but a lack of courage to say them.  You know, there are just some things in life you don't talk about-- and usually that's most of life if you are a pastor or a pastor's wife.  What will people think?  What will people say?  What's appropriate?  What's not?  What will make your husband look bad?  Will this or that jepordize his "respect" among the congregation, etc.  The questions are really never ending.  But, this post is about 10 years in the making so read on if you are a pastor's wife or a pastor's wife to be.  Just stop here if you aren't...unless you want to know some of what really goes on within our PW hearts...and perhaps some ways you can be praying for us as well as for our husbands.

That being said, I want to start a series as a way to get my honest thoughts/advise down on "paper" to those just starting ministry or planning on going in to it.  These posts will be a way for me to share just a little of my struggles and what I've learned along the way.  Maybe it will help someone-- maybe it will only be therapy for me. I don't know.  Please leave a comment though if it helps you in any way.  Thanks!

POST #1
1)  Being in ministry will not make you rich -- no really.  I mean that.  I used to think "Well, of course not.  We minister because we are serving the Lord.  That is enough.  I don't need to be 'rich' "  And, I'm sure this is what most of the congregation members think, too.  However, when all is said and done, we still live in a culture (though this is changing rapidly) where retirement is something to be planned for.  Purchasing a home is still looked upon as the only investment that can really be counted on.  Putting clothes on growing children-- and growing numbers of children-- is still a need-- as well as paying for all that food that they consume!  And, if you're like me and have chosen to stay home believing wholeheartedly that God has called you to staying home-- all these things will be struggles to obtain.  A much larger challenge than for many in your average congregations.  So, a few words of advice that I wish I could say I knew and took to heart at the right time:  In no particular order...

• Don't get into school debt.  I know, almost an improbability-- especially if your husband has good seminary training.  Truth is, there are very few colleges and higher learning institutions that matter by name.  Everyone just looks to see if there is a degree on your resume-- and if you plan to stay at home, perhaps looking into other alternative types of training would be a better option for your post-high school education.  If you are in ministry, it rarely will pay the amount needed to pay for secondary education.  That's just the truth.  If it's missions you are interested in, even more so.  Remember all those loans will have to be paid before an agency will even look at you-- and you want an agency above you (trust me-- but that's an entirely different conversation.) 
• (This one is still on debate for me -- too late, ha!) -- If you have large amounts of school debt, consider working longer before having children.  Many on the "conservative" side of Christianity might object to that statement.  I didn't REALIZE the amount of debt compared to the amount of income we'd have once I was home full-time so I have to say this really never occurred to me-- I mean, to the extent that it changed our "plans".  I wish none of my children away, but daily I wish my school loan black cloud away and it's very difficult to do anything about it now.
• Find creative ways to make income and talk about those ways with your husband prior to needing the income it would create.  Needing income always makes business ventures filled with more pressure and urgency which can lead to not enough "thinking it through and counting the costs".  "Creative business ventures" translates into-- lots of extra time out of your current schedule which WILL mean him and you both needing to sacrifice time serving in the church to make it happen.
• Trust God to bring you your "daily bread"-- and that's all He promises.  He does not promise cruise vacations (or even vacations that require a hotel stay, lol) like your congregation members.  He does not promise new clothes or weekly date nights at Texas Road House.  He does not promise anything aside from daily needs-- so if you are really into certain hobbies/places/events and feel it would be too much to sacrifice, then truly maybe ministry may not be for you.  (The first year in seminary we lived on the least amount of money I've ever seen-- I mean, I made more as a single person in a year than we did with three children, baby on the way, and TWO of us adults in the house!  That was the most exciting year of our lives...and we litterally had to wait on the Lord a few times so we'd have food for supper or toilet paper for those needs-- which, He sent-- an anonymous gift of hamburger and toilet paper awaited on our front porch the very night we needed it!  A complete, exciting George Mueller moment...)
• Trust God to bless you with material gifts occasionally-- and then enjoy them!  My best examples of this are gift cards to the movie theater-- enough to cover the entire family!  We NEVER go to the movies.  We just can not afford it.  (I mean, guys-- it's a $70 dollar trip for a family of 6 and a popcorn and drink!)  Neither my husband nor I enjoy movies all that much so we don't lack for not being able to go, but we DO want to be able to give our kids this gift of something fun and different on special occasions.  We've been able to do that twice now using a Christmas gift given us by one of our congregation members.  This has been so wonderfully unexpected and a joy to our family.   
• GUARD YOUR HEART AGAINST COMPARISON!  Did I write that boldly enough?  Probably not.  This is so difficult to do in our media driven world.  I am literally turning off my Facebook account today and I hardly ever watch TV-- both instances due to not wanting to indulge in comparison.  Sometimes it's comparing our lives/homes/opportunities from those in the church-- other times, though, it's comparing them to those also in ministry!  For me, this is the hardest.  I know God sends rain on the just and the unjust, but in my selfish, dark heart, I somehow believe that He should send the MOST rain to those who are trying to serving Him day in and day out-- dealing with people who many times only come to you with complaints or more things for you to do!  We have one set of ministry friends that just continually seem to get "blessed"-- flat screen TVs given to them, a boat, sale of house in weeks time when ours took 2 years and a short sale to finally sell; the list of differences between them and us seems enormous!  But, I have to cling to the fact that this world is not my home and He has seen fit to "bless" them in ways that He does not currently see fit to "bless" us.  He is teaching me something different...(like, all my life!  Phil. 4 anyone???)

All this being said, let me take one more moment to encourage you to COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, NAME THEM ONE BY ONE.  It's not just a song.  It's the heart of thanksgiving that will allow you to continue to serve with a right heart attitude.  We have a family "Gifts" list that we've started this year and when I find myself getting particularly grumpy about finances, I start listing the gifts God has given me.  Here are a few of my recent ones:

• Husband's job close to our home.  The kids get to see him for lunch and usually supper and this is more than many other families get to experience
• Husband's flexible job schedule.  Oh, there are the "have - tos" for sure (MANY of them-- and many at night) but usually my husband is flexible should a need arise for doctors appointments and other unexpected needs.
• Activities that the kids can attend with Daddy-- such as sports meets or various service opportunities.  They get to see Daddy's love for others in action and we pray this will become something they will learn to enjoy and do themselves as they grow.
• A few generous congregation members that have taken us in as family.  We are allowed use of their pool, garden, and family conversation.  Their entire extended family have treated us as one of them and we are forever grateful that we have people who have stepped into being "family" for us when ours are too far to see often.  This particular blessing encourages my heart continually.

I'll write more later...but I'm sure that was enough to read for now!  Pray for a content heart.  One that is so full it can overflow to those around you as Jesus has called you to love.

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A Unified Philosophy

I was thinking this past week about the original idea of starting this blog, and I feel a bit like I've gotten lost along the way=)  Never mind, though, as it's all a part of our family and what we are going through.  However, I did have a few ministry thoughts floating around in my mind recently that I thought might be worth sharing. 

When my husband and I last did the "candidating thing" almost ten years ago now (WOW! Could it have been that long ago?!), we didn't have children.  Our questions were different, our answers we looked for were different, and our observations were also very different from our most recent experience. We asked certain questions this time and made certain observations and were obviously pleased with all of the responses, but since moving we've made a few more and I wanted to pass on our lessons learned with anyone who might be in the "same boat" at some point in the future.  The best place to start with this process, I think, is talking about something I'll title "Philosophy of Ministry: His, Hers, & Ours"

Philosophy of Ministry Defined (According to Ma-wah!=)
Jason and I knew going into this new position our personal and familial philosophy of ministry. (If you're not familiar with this terminology you probably haven't done that yet! No worries, if you aren't in ministry yet, great-- you've got time! If you are...um, make a date ASAP and talk this over!) Philosophy of ministry can be defined a couple of ways, but for us mainly means "why we do what we do in ministry" -- our driving beliefs that shape our everyday actions and decisions.

A Unified Philosophy
Having a unified philiosophy of ministry will aleviate so.much.frustration. in a ministry marriage (or highly involved lay ministry marriage) and is necessary for unified familial decision making.  (To see our philosophy click here.)  Coming to this unified philosophy has been done through initial pre-marital discussions about our upbringing and expectations of church life and home life, trial and error during marriage, and some reading and class discussion done along the way.  Some important questions to answer in this area (especially if you have children or are thinking about having them sometime in the future) are:

• How did you see ministry played out in your upbringing-- how much time was devoted in your home to serving God specifically through various church-related activities (as this will most shape your attitude towards your husband's ministry job).
• What did you like about your up-bringing, what did you not like about that involvement?  How do these observations about these questions make you feel? 
• Ideally, how would you like to see ministry-related activities affect the home?  (i.e. "it's your job, don't bring it home," "I'll come too and maybe teach once in awhile," "I'm all in!  Where can I serve with you?!  What?! A call at mid-night-- well, OF COURSE you'd better answer it!")
• Ideally, how would your husband like to see ministry-related activities affect the home?
• Do you have other outside responsibilities that may take away time from your avilability?
• If you have children: how do you want them to see God/church/service?  What might that mean for them at the various stages of growing up. (i.e., it's okay with you, mommy, to take little 1 yr. old Timothy out to the church-wide famiy movie night even though it'll mess his next day schedule up -- OR -- NO WAY! Little Timothy and I are staying home!  No questions about it, dad!)
• Children's involvement: will they be expected to attend everything whenever the doors are open, or, do you never want them to feel expected to do anything at all?!?

Really, the list could go on and on...everyday I am faced in my home with decisions that are related to ministry-- and my responses to those decisions will come from my philosophy of ministry.  My husband can be confident that when he has to make a last minute decision about a ministry need without my input (and I stress "need"),  since we've talked at length about our philosophy, that I will be supportive of his decision.  That aleviates his concern that I might be unahappy with him when he tells me of his decision-- which sometimes may be after the fact and have caused some iconvenience to me or the kids.

As you are talking all these questions over, please don't forget to seek out what GOD has to say in His Word about ministry.  Full-time vocational ministry, after all, is choosing to serve God and His kingdom as a way to support your family while on this earth.  This allows you more flexibilty and time to devote to those in your communities and congregations, and allows you more time to be in His Word, as described by Paul numerous places in his Epistles. (One that comes to mind is 2 Timothy 2:15 "Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth." NIV)  After serving several years in "part-time ministry" (aka, working a secular job and trying to rightly full-fill the needs of a full-time congregation), we came to a personal decision that is wasn't feasible for us.  There really is no way to devote the necessary amount of time to people and spending time in God's Word in order to "correctly handle the word" if you have the concerns of spending 40-50 other hours of your week to a "regular" job.  For this very reason, Paul affirms the position of full-time ministry laborers when he says, "...the Lord has connanded that those who preach teh gospel should receive their living from the gospel." (I Cor. 9:14  -- for fuller context, click here.)

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Our Philosophy of Ministry

As Christ-followers, we believe that we must be students of the Word, seeking to apply the truths contained in the Bible in ever-increasing measure to our daily lives.  We must be learning to grow in our love for God and for others and this will show itself through the fruits of our lives.  All Christ-followers should seek to do the same as this is part of eternal life: "Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent." John 17:3 (NIV, 84)


As a full-time vocational ministry family, we believe that

• Our whole family has been called into ministry-- not just dad
• The purpose of our family is to grow our children into disciples of Christ (Through His power)
• We will be "inconvenienced" at times by ministry and church-life -- that's why it's called "service"
• I, the wife, will seek to serve alongside my husband where I can, thus being an example to our children of serving Him
• I, the wife, will seek to make my home a resting place from the often times discouragement that can come from working with people -- let's face it, as they say "ministry would be easy if you didn't have to work with people!"
• I, the husband, will seek to make my family a priority above the demands of the job (i.e. 24/7 meetings) and will seek to make boundaries as discussed between my wife and I
• We, as a unified front, will seek to present church as not a "thing" of competition between dad and the rest of the family, but as one place that we can all learn to love and serve God more.
• We, as parents, will seek to present all service for God as ministry-- and not just the work done inside the church walls-- most true ministry happens outside of those walls (when it's not so easily scheduled.)
• We, as parents, will seek to protect our children from the unnecessary knowledge of inter-personal relational issues, inter-church conflicts, etc. We will do this by being careful with our words and where and what we talk about regarding the church and the people we serve
• We, as parents, will do our best to demonstrate that a life lived for God's glory can be done in any vocation-- not just through full-time ministry -- but that God is pleased with doing everything as unto the Lord. (I Cor. 10:31, NIV, 84)

Our goal, as it pertains to our children, is to pray-up, train-up, demonstrate-up (I made that up!=) disciples for Christ who willingly and joyfully serve the One True Living God, Jesus Christ!

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Let's "Git R Done"

This saying, "Git r done" (say with a strong southern accent) is a bit old now (Can you imagine?! We call 5 years ago something "old"?!) but still sums up how we as (Northern) Americans often times approach life. We are in such a hurry to fix all things and change them all to how we see fit and AS FAST AS POSSIBLE! This can cause much conflict/frustration in ministry because ministry is defined by working with...well, PEOPLE! And people (and programs) "change" and are "fixed" slowly. It's so easy to stand by and judge what needs changing in someone (or something, if it's a program) and forget to even consult with their Maker-- the Lord.

Most people start into ministry because they love the Lord and want to see others grow in their love for Him. (There are exceptions, I know. We're not talking about them today=) Just like a student fresh outta high school, we think we're going to some how "do great things for God." We're all good-hearted in this adventure and we mean so very well, but we loose sight of the fact that God has called us to live in a sin-filled world shining His love to all and telling people of His offer of forgiveness if they repent and believe. Oh-- and do so unaffected by that sin-filled world. Simple, right?! HA! NEVER! In our eagerness, we boldly plow into a new ministry and start the mental list of all that needs to "go" or "stay" or "change". And, in all honesty, it is usually easier to see necessary changes from a more outsider's perspective than once we've been on the "inside" for awhile when we, too, have gotten used to "the way things are." BUT, we must be careful to asses our motives and approaches honestly before the Lord. We must bring ALL THINGS before Him and offer them up with surrender asking Him for clear guidance as to what to do about either the person in question or the ministry in question. When He clearly guides us, then we may act, and not a moment sooner. He is so much more wise than we'll ever be (or even know we need to be), and He's so much more patient than we are. His timing truly is perfect. (And so is His strength while we wait, right?)

Isaiah 55: 6,8,9 "See the Lord while he may be found, call upon him while he is near. For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your way my way, declares the Lord. For as the heaven are higher than the earth, so are my ways, higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (ESV)

Before I go, I wanted to get back to one more thought I brought up just a minute ago. The concept of "doing great things for God"; it's a good concept, but a bit faulty. I understand the idea behind the words, but the words demonstrate a self-centeredness and a self-reliance that is completely incorrect in God's economy. It is only through Christ and the work of the Holy Spirit that we, as finite human beings, can affect anyone or anything for good. For our own hearts, at their very core, are filled with sin and "desperately sick." (Jer. 17:9 ESV) If you want to be used mightily by God, then you will have to follow a road of complete reliance upon Christ. I know I am terribly far from this and I am just at the beginning of a journey of surrenderedness in all areas...I'm pretty sure this is going to be a life-long journey, but I hope there are many others who are starting theirs as well and we can trust that God will provide and send to us those that are further along this same journey to encourage us along our way.


Let's get a fresh start "done" and let the Lord renew our spirits. If anything needs "gittin' done," that's certainly a good place to start.


The Promise of a Fresh Start:

Psalm 51: 10 "Create in me a clean heart, oh God. And renew a right spirit within me."

Matthew 5:8 "Blessed are the pure in hearts, for they shall see God."

Thank you, Lord, for cleaning my heart and being patient with me. Help me to extend that same grace and forgiveness to those in my life to whom I have not been merciful.

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The Swirling Mire -- Anger (Part 1)

Wow—seems like forever—for me anyway. I was getting used to scribbling out my thoughts for the world to see. There has been a lot going on, as is the case for many who blog and then “disappear” for awhile, only to resurface again somewhere along the line. (Like my one of my homeschooling buddies whom I THOUGHT was done blogging, only to realize she just blogs during the school year—smart woman! Summer gets too crazy! Shout out to ya, Bec-mama!) This past week was one long disaster-- or so it felt. (Let's see there was the running over the violin...the melting of the food processor on the stove...finding sour cream and pork n beans on different occasions in the microwave days after they'd been used...hmm...and I just finished cleaning up shmashed zucchini from all over the kitchen sink, walls, beneath the sink: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME: zucchini peels do not belong in the disposal!)

Anyway, over these past couple of weeks a lot of emotions, thoughts, etc. have been running through my mind. I haven’t come to any conclusions about the swirling mess that is seemingly taking control of my brain, but I think…no, I know, God is leading me through it all just the same. {If I seem a bit distracted tonight, I am. I volunteered to take my first stab at bringing Sunday school “snacks” and I’m up against a tough crowd! These rural women bring like Easter brunch e-v-e-r-y week! So, I’ve got two kinds of zucchini bread baking {chocolate and, um, well, “boring”=} a blueberry crisp {that I’m actually doing a small test version on first because I consistently forget to write down and KEEP the one my mom gives me over the phone—which she’s done I think 3 times already} zucchini mini-muffins {I had three large zucchinis to use and the kids gobble up the minis} and getting ready to start sticky buns. {I’ll cut the fruit up in the morning and hope all that tides over the masses;}

Back to God’s leading. I discovered a pattern this past week—actually, my very bestest friends in all the whole world over discovered it for me. I had fortunately (Divinely, really) scheduled a meeting with my good buddies from seminary so our kids could get together this past week. During the two weeks leading up to this point I had begun to sink into what I (hate to) call my “angry mama mode”. Everything anyone did, said, tried to say, tried to even think, caused me so much irritation and well, anger, that I just exploded!  One of my friends asked if it was a particular behavior (i.e. someone actually doing something wrong) and sadly I had to respond, “no.”

(I just took out my first ever most perfect bread loaf!)

So I was lamenting my heart to them and one friend spoke to me the gracious words “do you think you could just give yourself a break since you just moved and everything?” and others nodded their heads in agreement. And then I said, “yeah, but if that were the case, why does this seem to happen every 18 months or so?” To which another responded, “because every 18 months for the past however many years you’ve been moving and changing.” And with that I paused, thought back, and realized she was right! Ever since I’ve had kids things have been changing and there have been frequent moves and transitions…burdens I think I’ve picked up and tried to carry on my own without even knowing it. And isolation is so easy. I mean, the inside type of isolation that keeps you from even acknowledging to yourself how you feel or what you are dwelling on. On the outside you may very well look busy and surrounded, but on the inside you are very much alone…

Well, that’s a lie, really.  And I’m beginning to realize this. I never thought about it before {as I said, I wouldn’t even tell myself that was how I was even feeling, right?!} It’s a lie only if you are a follower of Christ because as His child, I have His Spirit with me always. And as I’ve said before on here, His Spirit is specifically called “the Comforter”.  I must allow myself to be comforted by Him—which means I must bring everything to Him. This is truly not easy. It’s easier, so it seems, to wallow in the mire of ourselves, the sinful nature self-pitying self.

Through all of this there are two things which stick out the most:

1) How absolutely wonderful is the gift of my friends which the Lord has given to me. Though they might not be a minutes’ drive away, they are always close enough to lean on {isn’t technology wonderful? Though nothing replaces being in person WITH someone}.

2) The reminder that God created us for COMMUNITY! NOTHING substitutes the body of Christ for which He designed us. Yes, there is the Holy Spirit and Comforter which we desperately need like nothing else, but, while on this weary, tiring earth, God knew we would need each other. 

Thank You, Jesus for the truth of Your Word brought to light through wonderful women who are journeying with me. You knew I needed them this week and You fore ordained that we would be together. How cool is that?!?

I’d love to hear any praises you all might have from this past week. We need to encourage one another along our way…

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Culture Shock "Practical"

I realize I sort of slapped the common “Christian band-aid” over an issue that can really affect a woman’s life: moving.  I didn’t mean to do that at all!  But as soon as I pushed the “publish” button I thought I’d better follow- up with some practical suggestions to aid in the “culture shock” transition time.  Here are 5 {my mom} and I came up with:

 

1)      Acknowledge the hardship of transitioning to a new location/ministry for what it is (number 3 stresser in anyone's life!) and be graceful towards yourself and others.  Situational depression can be a very real result of such a major transition in life.  In recognizing the hardship for what it is, you can aim to recognize when your emotions may be affecting the way you are treating those closest to you and the way they are behaving as well.  Be full of grace towards all in the family!

2)     Use this time (that tends to be not as full schedule-wise) to do something you’ve always wanted to do.  Take a cake-decorating class or an exercise class at a local gym.  Spend more time reading stories to the kids or playing outside.  Have more date nights or try out new recipes.  Eat at local restaurants to learn more about the people and community to which have been called to minister to and alongside.

3)     Pray over church members by going through a church directory.  (This may also help you learn names and faces!)

4)      Cultivate a new spiritual discipline that has been lacking in  your life.

5)     Talk to your husband!  This is an important one (and not one to really go “last” in the list…).  He needs to know what’s going on inside of you to help give you more grace and to help you in objectively looking at your emotions and responses while you go through this time.  As most of us marrieds already know, communication is always vital to a peaceful marriage and home.

Also, Just Moved! is a ministry I came to know about a few years back through a Focus on the Family radio broadcast.  Susan Miller, a woman who has moved over 14 times in her life {she might know a thing or two about it!} founded this ministry to minister directly to the heart of the woman who has just relocated (for whatever reason).  Check out their website if you feel you may need a little more help sorting things out in this area or to aid in understanding those you are serving.

Let me know any tips YOU may have from your life experience on this: I sure could use all the help I can get! =)

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Can We Say "In Shock?"

Just days shy of one month in our new home (only an hour from our old!) and it has begun to set in: culture shock.  You laugh!  But I'm serious.  I knew it would happen...I guess I was just hoping it wouldn't-- again, considering we're less than 100 miles from where we were before.  None the less, it is a different culture here, baby, and the "honeymoon" stage of cultural adjustment is passing.  You know you're experiencing culture shock when you think (or worse, SAY) things like:

"Well, that's ODD," "you eat THAT here?" "You have to drive HOW far to get there?" "That's just not NORMAL" "That's not how NORMAL people say that" 

Of course, these are all thoughts that come from experiencing VERY MILD culture shock.  (I've experienced the international kind, this has been completely different.)  But I am still left with that feeling that says "I just want to go home."  Everything they do in the community is so different here and, as with any church, there is a new church culture that is very different from my previous experiences, too.  So, what's a person in ministry to do?

The stages of culture shock are:  1) Honeymoon 2) Rejection  3) Regression/ Isolation  4) Acceptance

It'd be nice if we could just skip over #2 and #3, but I don't actually think this is possible.  Like all things in life that are any kind of "trial," we must learn to lean into God.  It's sometimes easier to react in human pride and start asking all sorts of questions of God or just avoiding Him altogether, but that's never the answer as it leaves us more drained and empty than if we had just done what we were designed to do: cultivate a relationship with our Maker and worship Him -- like we studied just last week! 

James 4:6-8a says, "But He gives more grace.  Therefore it says, "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." Submit yourselves therefore to God.  Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.  Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you."

In completely contextual honesty (is that a real phrase?), this passage is a strong warning against worldliness that has seeped into believers' lives causing pride and selfishness to wage war within the Christ-follower.  But I do believe it applies to my situation today as I know that if I let the normal, to-be-expected emotional blues overcome me, I am giving Satan a foot-hold.  I can not wallow in self-pity or phrases of "I wish" this or that (another curse of mine is "the grass is always greener syndrome"), but instead draw near to God and allow Him to chip away at my old sin nature and refine me as I look forward to the FINAL day of refining; HEAVEN!  With this perspective in mind (the "citizenship is in heaven," perspective) I can have the God-given joy that allows me to be the wife, mommy, and daughter of the King that He wants me to be to "shine like a star" as a testimony for Him.  After all, this is truly what I desire.

So, what's a person in ministry to do when culture shock sets in?  What EVERYONE'S supposed to do every minute of every day He gives us: Draw Near To God, and let Him take care of the rest.

I leave you with this:  Philippians 4: 4-9

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, REJOICE!  Let you reasonableness be known to everyone.  The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understand, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.  What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me-- practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

UPDATE:  Our newest family members:

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Givin' Up -n- Movin' Back! (Part II)

I began praying the minute I had finally settled all children in their appropriate locations before the message began.  I was too emotional to think straight and then the message hit me like a ton of bricks, on more levels than I ever thought possible (more on that too, later – I think.)  Before I could even think to utter a prayer about the whole situation the service was done and I was walking out to gather my children from all their respective locations.  My prayer was completely simple: Lord help me.  I’ve realized a few things upon reflecting over all of this as the week has progressed.  Some of these reflections give me grace and some still leave me stumped.  There’s still a lot of praying/thinking to be done before this coming Sunday (when I hope to NOT repeat the last two Sunday’s events!). I’ve asked God to give me some Divine Inspiration as to what to do in order to have the kids enjoy church and not be forced into some sort of unreasonable expectation.  Here are some of my thoughts:

 1)      God loves my children & God desires my children love Him – and I mustn’t make church look/seem/feel like a horrible place to be.  This is vitally important as no child, and especially a “pastor’s kid,” should grow up resenting the church.

2)       I was completely unprepared to deal with my children at their ages going back into a church setting.  (or to deal with it in a patient manner, anyway=) Oh, we’d been in the church these past four years of seminary, but at various different levels of involvement and in situations that allowed me to “do whatever necessary” to appease my younger children.  The end result: well, let’s just say children who have become accustomed to not having to sit still for even A FEW minutes.   This is my missed opportunity of the past to teach correctly that I cannot change—must move forward from here instead of wallowing in regret. 

3)      Remember that saying that everyone TELLS you when you have kids: “They aren’t as distracting to us as they are to you” – well, I just plain don’t believe it applies to me and MY kids.  (and, really, it does.)

4)      Grace, grace, God’s Grace – can you hear the song?  I must extend grace to myself and my children in order for patience to come from anywhere in my being.  (Patience, I’ve really learned this week, is NOT one of my virtues!  Adding that to prayer time!)  It will take us all time to adjust to our new surroundings and I can miss a little of service to help my children adjust to their new surroundings.  No one else expects me to do anything different.

5)      The new pastor’s wife CAN (and will) sit in the back!  This was a very freeing thought – now if I can just convince my boys of this before Sunday!

Again, all our frustrations come down to expectations.  And at this church there are no outside expectations that have come up yet.  All these expectations of how “my children should behave” and of how I think the “pastor’s family ought to behave” – they are all self-induced.  I have begun asking God for a spirit of patience and of grace—and I’m counting on HIM to get me through this next Sunday morning service better than our last two.  (After that it’s a meal at the home of an elderly couple—oh, no!  A whole set of new prayers…=)

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GIVIN' UP -n - MOVIN' BACK!! Reflections of my first few Sundays, Part I

Well, I’ve been here before – a “pastor’s wife” – but  just as the seasons of our lives change, so too do the expectations we (and others) have as we move through those seasons.  For me, entering back into ministry, has been a welcome change in some ways (and in others, not so much – more on that later=).  I thought I was pretty prepared.  I mean, after all,  I’ve done this before,  I grew up around the whole “thing” all my life, and I’ve even had children and been in the situation before--  but this time I’ve found one big surprise along the way (well, maybe two).

This ONE BIG SURPRISE has been: ME! (And MY expectations)  We usually don’t know what our expectations are until we feel the crunch of distress in one way or another.  I felt it last week and I felt it this week again.  It went like this:

Sunday morning get up to the sound of birds – wonderful!  I praise the Lord.  Get out of bed to my youngest saying “hungy, hungy” right beneath my feet: no problem, I had cinnamon rolls ready to throw into the oven (pat on my back—and still feeling good.)  Today was going to be a GOOD Sunday; the older boys had gone to children’s church without much complaint last week and this week they were sure to go alone- bonus!  Take shower, make little smokies with daughter (bonus #2—working together in the kitchen), serve cinnamon rolls (done to perfection) and little smokies (okay, maybe those were a little more than “done to perfection”), happy family banter and discussion, get self ready while daddy dressed kids (bonus number #3!)…the day was shaping up wonderfully!  Couldn’t find a top that didn’t need ironing, but that too was okay because we STILL had enough time, thanks to dad, for me to iron it and get out the door with a couple minutes to spare.  (Minor distressful thought:  had to take kids early so dad could meet with some men to pray before service—surely they could play in the nursery until service and NOT tear up all the toys?  Hmm…) Get all six of us family members into the car and on our way.  This is going to be a good Sunday.

At the church, kids told to stay with mom while dad went to meet with the men—and daughter throws first minor temper tantrum—a little squeal with an irritated foot tap and a slight whiney “daaadddddy” out of her tight lips that threatens to become loud.(Second minor feeling of distress)  Stop it, let’s go, and head in without getting hit by a car.  Inside, kids go to the nursery as directed (doing okay so far), but now I smell the aroma of fresh dirty diaper.  (Can I call that an “aroma”?)  “Bubbi” needs changed.  Terrible diaper rash causes a panicked, terrified, scream that last as long as the diaper change, no mind, daughter shut the nursery door.  Surely those cute lil’ ol’ ladies greeting at the door would just smile even if they did hear him scream, right?  Older boys break out the baby cars and drive each other crazily between the two connected nursery rooms and almost into me.  (Minor distress rising) Enter another boy adding more crazy driving and diaper change is almost over.  Finish changing diaper, wash hands, all children have disappeared and nursery is quiet.  I almost just sink down into a rocking chair and enjoy it—but then I think of the “crazies” out running around the older people.  Visions of terrible collisions race through my head.  Much work is done to corral the young “ponies” and just in time for dad to meet with the men to pray.  Whew.  But corral them to where? (Distress definitely at a high level, still smiling though!) Pews.  At least I can sit at the end of one pew.  Oldest chose center row number 5—after I insist on not sitting in row #3—and we sit, with most of the 175 other congregation members behind us.  Sigh. But then, “I’m thirsty,”  “I have to go to the bathroom,” “daaaadddyyy” (more tantrum)…it’s only been 5 minutes since we entered the door!  (I can smile no longer.)

I could relate the next 30 minutes to you, but it’d be just as painful for you to read as it was for me to experience as it all just continued and went more downhill.  You moms know exactly what I’m talking about!  Dad made announcements on this Sunday and Bubbi wouldn’t go into the nursery without another 5-minute leech-loving cling time all the while screaming like he was in some sort of excruciating pain.  (Will it ever get better?)  Church starts at 9:25 with service first and by 9:30 I’m thinking, “I GIVE UP!  I’M MOVIN’ BACK!” (to the back of the sanctuary, that is=)

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The Next Step

Within the very first hours of becoming a parent -- in which I mean seeing the two pink lines on the lovely white stick -- the words "transition," "next steps," "journey" all take on a completely new meaning.  Life is just never the same as a whole new world opens up to us and we learn about the changes in our bodies (and in our babies' bodies), the changes in our schedules (particularily the change in our sleeping habits), and the changes in our responsibilities -- children require a lot of priority!  As a good friend of ours once said, "I never knew how selfish I was until I got married.  And then I never knew how selfish I still was until I had kids."  We learn quickly that life is now, at least for a short 18 years, a lot about our children and teaching them to transition in their lives well -- which requires a very healthy marriage! 

This week is all about transition for our family; in some ways, taking our final steps to complete these last four years of transition.  So I thought I'd take a few minutes to talk "ministry" here, for those following who are headed that way, and for the benefit of really anyone with a family-- which can mean simply a spouse with whom they share life.  As I've been processing what it will mean to enter back into the world of full-time vocational ministry, I've realized our family is in a different stage than we were when we left a few years ago.  New priorities need to be realized and new boundaries need to be put in place BEFORE we start this new phase.  Not doing so could have devestating results for our marriage, our family, and in the end, our new ministry.  So my husband and I took advantage of a 3 hour trip both ways for picking up a new bed (to be shared in the room where we'll put all four children for awhile=), and talked "priorities" and "boundaries".  We each shared with the other our thoughts on what was "most important" at the stage of each of our children and what they needed-- and of course, what we needed as a couple to maintain a healthy, growing, FUN relationship.  We settled on a few specific things (which I wrote down to keep us more accountable) and I had peace in just communicating with my husband the various needs I was sensing and in hearing his.  In each of our major life transitions, we've taken time to do this activity (and I admit, I think it could have been done a lot more often).  When we entered seminary, and usually to some degree each semester, we took time to look specifically at each family members' needs and consider what might be done to make sure important needs were met.  We trust and pray that God has filled in the gaps where we have fallen short.  I encourage each of you to do this same activity as you find yourself in times of transition to help alleviate the stress on everyone in the family and to PROACTIVELY invest in the most important foundation to society: the family.

I could go into all sorts of specific priorities and tips on how they could play out, but each family has different needs as we are all in unique situations and have unique needs for those times.  Here is the KEY PRINCIPLE to follow: 

 ALL priorities should come in light of our FIRST priority: God! 

     Deuteronomy 10:12-13, "And now...what does the Lord your God ask of you but to serve the Lord your God, to walk in all His ways, to love Him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the Lord commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good."

Matthew 6:33 says, "Seek FIRST [God's] Kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things {earthly provisions found at the heart of our need for working}will be given to you..." (NIV, italics added=)

For tips in helping to make your marriage a better priority see Jill Savage's Blog (founder of Hearts At Home, an organization that encourages, educates and equips moms of all ages and stages of motherhood)

For tips in helping to "balance" family and ministry life make sure to check out former pastor and ministers to missionaries all around the world, Stuart and  Jill Briscoe's online magazine Just Between Us and Stuart's quick take on the issue.

And then leave me a message and let me know some specific ways you and your family have been able to better prioritize the important "things" of life!

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